This is a guest post by Doreen Yomoah, a vagabond currently residing in Shanghai. She's also a founding mother of the Women’s Liberation Army, a motley crew of women scattered throughout the globe who are sick of injustice and planning to do something about it. (She also wrote this popular swpd post: "fail to distinguish african immigration from slavery descent.")
Things you should definitely do to a black person this summer:
Make well-informed observations like, “You’re lucky, you can’t get sunburned.” Melanin isn’t just skin pigmentation; it’s magic! As everyone knows, even though PIGS and TREES can get sunburned, black people cannot.
If you see a black person applying sunscreen, you should ask them, “Why are you worried about skin cancer? You’re black!” As everyone knows, never in the history of time has a black person ever gotten skin cancer. And we are certainly not more likely to die from it than whites.
If a black person you know tries to stay out of the sun, you should say some variation of, “Why? You can’t get any darker.” That is a logical assumption to make because black people, in fact, do not have human skin. Therefore, it does not get darker in the sun, the way every other race’s skin does.
Something that black people absolutely adore is when white people grab our arms and hold theirs next to ours and say, “Look! I’m almost as dark as you are!!!” This makes us feel almost as human as white people.
You should make jokes like, “[insert black person’s name] should go tanning!!!” This is hilarious and gets funnier and funnier each time you hear it. It was amusing the first time I heard it, and now, 12 years later, I actually look forward to hearing people say it each summer, because it’s just so original and clever.
In general, make it a point to talk at every opportunity about how tan you are/are not. This is an incredibly fascinating topic to discuss ad nauseum.
These are things that white people do that black people look forward to each and every single summer.
Please don’t let us down by neglecting to do them, again, and again, and again, and . . .